im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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