I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
