My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
