The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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