Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
