I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
