According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
