i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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