the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
