So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize