I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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