oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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