they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
