They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize