decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
