Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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