this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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