My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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