Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize