i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
