Your tits are I can't wait for
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
