I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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