moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I have tasted many bathrooms
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize