You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
