Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
