Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
