i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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