I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
