I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize