I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
