I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
