i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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