That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
