you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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