I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
