I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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