I think my fart just growled at me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So apparently I’m into choking now
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
