I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
