it's like iHOP with fire
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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