yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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