Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
