Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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