I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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