Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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