I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
