the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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