well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
