I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
