Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
