the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
