i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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