I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
