grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize