I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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