1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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