Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
