i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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