I faked an abortion last night.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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