Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
