i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
